Taste and See

I love the imagery of the bible…it has so much texture and depth and can evoke such strong emotions or reactions. But then I love words used well, and the bible is full of beautiful words…be they stark, or compassionate, or anguished or joy filled…the words of the bible are full of words that are pregnant with meaning.  Whenever I see a sunset that has this tangerine color it almost makes my mouth water. I’ve seen some pretty stunning sunsets living in the prairie and all, but this color is my favorite because it looks like a tangerine, or a peach just waiting to be tasted. And it often brings to mind the verse in Psalm 34:8 

 An education course that I took, back in the day, opened my eyes to the power of representative language and how a good metaphor could make or break a piece of writing. I had been through high school English courses and University English courses (in fact English was my minor) and never had anyone taught something so, well, elementary in many, many years of school. And the prof was a real arrogant sort who blustered and waved his arms about.  And in very disdainful and contemptuous tones tried to teach a bunch of university students about writing. I already had my degree and was back to work on a post-bac and was less than impressed with his approach. Which was really too bad, as sometimes your delivery can really get in the way of your message…and we’re all familiar with those sorts of scenarios.  I remember him exclaiming that a piece of writing without metaphor (similes were apparently not as essential) was like eating cardboard and that every piece of writing (I guess that includes parking tickets lol) needed metaphor to effectively reach a reader. Now, I wasn’t averse to metaphor, I did, after all, like poetry….which is chock full of imagery. But to push this so hard seemed a little obsessive. Well, anyway, each of us had to produce a portfolio of writing (and of course, we all knew we had better include a lot of metaphor) and so I set about writing poetry, short stories and a few other things and along the way started noticing metaphor in the language around me…no big surprise as I’m sure you know how when you buy a new red car (for example) suddenly you’re amazed at how many red cars there are on the road. Or if you’re expecting a baby you suddenly realize how very many other people are growing babies as well…it’s just a human quirk. Anyway,  I was reading my bible one day, in the Old Testament, I started to notice all the imagery and was amazed at how much the language brought power to the message, brought emotion, brought understanding. I have never read the bible in quite the same way…that was a real gift. And this awareness comes up all the time…even in my thoughts as I look at the sunset and think that the color is so delicious I can almost taste it. And if you go back and read this post you’ll see many, many metaphors that I didn’t plan or try to embed…they’re just part of being human…to look at life through comparison…to think about how this is like that and that makes it fuller, deeper, gives more texture. When you read and look for metaphor you’ll be amazed at how many metaphors are within the text. When you do that though it can get downright distracting, and sometimes it’s best just to let language affect you at a deeper level…especially poetry, story, and lyrics. And don’t you think that how our minds work, how we use language, how we craft our writing is what makes reading the bible possible at all…makes faith possible…without the ability to use language in this way we really would be unable to appreciate the world as richly as we do.

 

 

Photos of Mom…it can happen!

Sadly, here at the cottage I do not have the software on Ric’s laptop to upload the photos from Ali’s camera or my old Powershot.  This is sad for a silly reason…but I must say I’m quite pleased with myself. In the past I have shamelessly paid my children to pose for photos…as they are pretty sick of me wielding a camera (can’t imagine why lol). But now this holiday I’m trying something a little different and I wish I could upload the photos to prove it. I am now paying my children to take photos of me…HA! The photos of me are usually few and far between as I am generally holding the camera. This is something I have lamented as we all know that memories last longer if you take a picture. And, of course, since I am in so few pictures my children will think I did not exist!!! Now that I’m paying my little angels to photograph me I’ve been pleasantly surprised with the results. I’m only paying for photos that I approve of and so many get deleted…but it makes them work a little harder to get a crisp, well exposed, flattering shot of their mother….not bad, not bad if I don’t say so myself. And since the better I like the picture the more I pay I’m pretty happy with the keepers . Now I can say…see, I did exist…and I looked pretty darn good hahaha. And along the way my kids are learning a little about focus, dof, exposure, framing, line, focal point, negative space, color, perspective etc. etc. etc.  Really, it’s a win-win .

Shifting

A year ago (or so) I was staring at a huge mountain that I needed to climb before we could leave on our time at the lake. And here I am again staring at a huge pile of packing, errands, laundry and tidying that needs to happen in the next 24 hours.  However, things have changed in this past year. If you know me well, or have read my blog, you probably know that I cope with depression and have for many, many years. It is hard to admit this because it makes me feel like a broken human. That there is something wrong with me that makes me ‘less than’ all those well adjusted people out there.

 

In the last year, however, I have learned a few things. About 18 months ago I started weaning off my medication. I wanted to test and try some of the stuff I had been reading about…and there is a LOT of information out there on how to overcome depression. At first, those types of things worked, but slowly my body and my mind sank down…and this time I went lower than I ever remember going. 

 

New aspects of depression, which I had never before dealt with were my nemesis.  I stopped being able to nap during the day. This was a way that I could turn off my brain for an hour and truly rest…most people have a way of doing this…mine may not have been the healthiest choice but it’s better than some. However, I became increasingly angry that I couldn’t sleep to escape.

 

And I became anxious. I had dealt with anxiety before, after my accident, but this was worse in a way. Worse because I didn’t seem to know why…there seemed to be no reason for my anxiety.  More disturbing to me, I couldn’t control my thoughts, they had a life of their own and they were dragging me deeper and deeper…if I couldn’t control my thoughts how would I change my thinking to be less ‘depressive’?  

 

I was deeply afraid and two things were driving my fear. One was my sense of failure in parenting. I felt most anxious when I didn’t know what to do with an issue and of course, until you learn how to deal with something, life keeps dishing it up for you to try again.  Knowing this, I kept searching for understanding…but felt as though my wheels were just spinning in the mud.

 

The other thing was that I was going through a paradigm shift in my faith. Ever since my accident, and my ‘near-death’ experience I had been seeking to understand more fully and more deeply who this God was that I believe I met in the garden…tangled in a tiller. This God who blew open my head and my heart with a blast of Love that was more powerful than a hurricane, more beautiful than creation, more gentle than a feather floating down into my being. This God was so much bigger and more real than anything I had ever imagined. And since that event my paradigm has been shifting and changing as I saw more and more how I can’t put God in a box. And I desperately wanted a manageable God, a cozy God, an understandable and comprehensible God. I was on a hunt for truth…still am…but Mystery won’t reveal itself so easily…that’s part of what makes God so, well, God like…that our Creator is mysterious, unmanageable, unboxable.  And that made me really mad, too!

 

So I was working hard on two things that I felt no progress in…and felt a failure…and things were dark. And so, I went back on medication. And it took many months to start to feel normal again. Looking back on this year I can see I’ve learned oh. So. Much. One of the most important things I think I learned is that, for whatever reason, my body chemistry needs some help. It is, in a way, broken. With advances in science and technology I can see how, one day, my chemistry may be improved without medication…but for now this is my best option and I am grateful for it.  However, it seems I needed to learn this lesson the hard way, by living through the consequences.

 

In spite of this, there are things I have learned about my faith, my God, my world view that I don’t think I would have learned if I had been on medication.  But those things don’t really reveal themselves while we are deep in depression…they reveal themselves as you emerge into light…on the edges of the forest as you walk towards the open light of better well-being you can begin to learn the lessons from the dark of the forest. In that forest, it is too dark to see, to understand. For that you need some light filtering through the trees, lighting the path.

 

The parenting journey has begun to lighten as well. For that issue I can again say that the lessons learned in the dark were very, very hard. I stumbled and fell over and over. And when you are only doing this to yourself it’s not so bad, but it is so scary when you feel that you are dragging your children with you as you fall. Again, the lessons came slowly, and my children have been my loving and patient teachers. Giving me the same lessons over and over until I finally started to learn what they are here to teach me. Miracles have happened along the way that I am so grateful for. I feel the light on my face as I walk out of that forest also…and I know that there is lots left to learn and I am so grateful for my children and all they have taught me and continue to teach me…and I’m sure will teach me all my life.

 

And so here I am, at the bottom of a mountain of tasks. I’ll make it up there…I always do. But last year the top of the mountain was shrouded, and cold. And this year the sun is out, and the view will be fantastic, and I am so looking forward to this family adventure that we are about to embark on.

 

Things may look similar from the outside. I still have procrastinated like crazy as the picture shows my jumbled mess of a staging area. I still have so much to do before we leave. But inside things look so different. I have learned so much. I have so much more hope. Life is good.

Flip Flops

She actually created this the same day she saw the wedding invitation…it just took me a few days to get it uploaded.

Amazing Wedding Invitation

Thanks to my friend Monica for posting this…check out her blog at musings and ponderings or her tumblr site. Love reading her blog!

My daughter, Ali, is really into stop motion stuff…she has scads of stop motion stuff with a clay person…check it out.

She’s got tons of this stuff. I just produced a tiny little snippet of what’s stored on my hard drive. She’s also done a whole bunch of stop motion using playmobile figures…pretty funny stuff, too. After watching the wedding invitation with me this morning I have an inkling she’ll be working with clothing next. Can’t wait to see what she creates!

What can happen right after hearing “I’m bored, mom”

Kids amaze me. How they can come up with something creative and entertaining to do in almost any situation. Too bad the ideas don’t always fit with the circumstances (ie. tag in the china shop). Over the past few weekends at the cottage they have devised several ‘games’. Here you see them working together to put a potato chip on a fishing line (no worries, there was no hook). And then the fun began…fishing for siblings:

Seriously, a chip and a fishing rod. It’s brings to mind the image of the kid playing with the pot and spoon as the new drum sits beside them. And another game…try to hit your siblings with water drops flung from a duster: 

Then, just this past weekend we were invaded by hordes of flying insects…not sure what they were. Some said they were baby fish flies, others said male mosquitos…they blanketed the boathouse, the dock, the grass and there were clouds of them in the air. At first no one wanted to go outside…but eventually the kids came up with games for this situation as well. One was to run down to the dock and sit in the swarm for as long as possible…and they would start settling on you pretty quick. The other was scoop up as many as you can with a stick and burn them in the fire.  Yuck and double yuck!

Our kids can be pretty rambounctious and some would say they are down right wild. I know not everyone appreciates their… shall we say…’spunk’ and ‘passion’ but they rock when it comes to creative play.  I love that about them.

Dance Recital

Jordan had her dance recital yesterday. The school did an awesome job with the recital…it was entertaining and the dancing was fantastic! Way to go Elite Fitness & Dance! Here’s a portion of Jordan’s dance routine…sorry it’s such poor quality . She’s in the third row. For the first half she’s second from the left behind two of the boys. In the second half she’s third from the left and she ends in the center. I loved, loved, loved watching her dance!

And some shots after the event…

The recital took place at the MTC Mainstage…it’s in the background. My mom suggested this shot and I’m glad she did .

After we went to The Old Spaghetti Factory at The Forks to celebrate. Jordan took dance with her friend Sawyer.

Of course I had to slip in a few of my ‘artistic’ shots…

 

And after watching two hours of dancing I had to laugh when I dreamt that I had a real leg again…except I had two left feet hahaha. Which is weird because I’m missing my left and so somehow in my dream my right foot turned into a left foot so I was able to dream that I had two left feet. I think this has a lot to do that I’ve always been a terrible dancer lol.

Giving back…

So, I’ve thought a bit about my last post and how I was a bit anemic in my blogging urge as of late. My sister Dawn commented on my last post and immediately followed that up with an email as well.  She blogs also. What was interesting to me is that she didn’t mention the blog post she had written the day before.  It’s short and sweet…check it out at her blog here or read it below:

 Inspiration:

I don’t need to be famous, just profound.  What is this urge to write?  Do all 40-something women have a clicking talk needing to come out…running out of time?  What kind of writer do I aspire to?  Somewhere between Anne Lamott and Kathleen Norris with a little Madeline L’Engle thrown in. Well okay, L’Engle is a fantasical but let’s just say she has my utmost admiration. Then there is Henri Nouwen who always moves me, Brother Roger of Taize (recently discovered) and David Bergen, best writer from southern Manitoba. Undoutedly there are others, but these are the ones who weep with me in the 4 a.m. mist, over nothing and everything…a clicking talk needing to birth.

So after I read that I was a bit chagrined…and thought if I receive so much from others’ blogs whom I frequent…maybe I should give a little back. So, for now, I’ll keep pecking and picturing…and for those of you who come along with me…thanks. And thanks for those who encouraged me to keep going, in comments, or in person.

So it’s been a year…

…and I’m not sure I’m gonna continue. Blogging is a great creative outlet…but not sure it’s all that valuable to others….and it’s such a cliche’. Although, that shouldn’t really stop me as I’ve got lots of cliched behavior goin’ on. Sigh. Not the least of which is that I made it to day 85 on my photo-a-day for a year and then lost interest. Or maybe that’s not a cliche’…that’s just human. Like seriously, what kind of obsessive personality type could keep that up for a year…OK now I’m just deflecting perceived critical opinions in blogosphere in a desperate attempt to make myself feel less lame. Do you see what I mean…is this really a valuable exercise? Hmmmm.

Inspiration

First seen at ITIWJM Read-a-Long: