At the risk of being cliched (and trust me I know I’m a cliche…so where’s the risk you might ask) I want to quote from “The Shack”.
Recently, a friend asked me if I ever got really angry about the loss of my leg. And I said, somewhat ruefully, “Well I guess so because you know what they say…’Depression is just anger without enthusiasm’”. And in this I identified with the character of MacKenzie (from The Shack) and what he called The Great Sadness.
“Emotions are the colors of the soul; they are spectacular and incredible. When you don’t feel, the world becomes dull and colorless. Just think how The Great Sadness reduced the range of color in your life down to monotones and flat grays and blacks.”
“So help me understand them,” pleaded Mack.
“Not much to understand, actually. They just are. They are neither bad nor good; they just exist. Here is something that will help you sort this out in your mind, Mackenzie. Paradigms power perception and perception power emotions. Most emotions are responses to perception-what you think is true about a given situation. If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too. So check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms - what you believe. Just because you believe something firmly doesn’t make it true. Be willing to reexamine what you believe. The more you live in the truth, the more your emotions will help you see clearly. But even then, you don’t want to trust them more than me.”
I have always understood at an intellectual level that your emotions are clues to what you believe…and if you have depressive moods that you may be believing something that is causing those feelings. I quoted Einstein my my last post and I think that what he said speaks to this quite well. He talked about how if we believe in an unfriendly universe then we will do everything in our power to protect ourselves. I think that is what depression is, a desperate attempt to protect oneself against the pain in our lives…and we know everyone experiences pain. Sadly, this stance produces a world with more pain (because pain becomes amplified when we try to avoid it) and life loses it’s color, it’s texture, and it’s richness. And I am a master of avoiding pain.
It is only when I accept pain, with all the messy emotions that go with it, that I become honest enough to hear what God wants to speak into that moment. Because it really is a multi-step process of being honest about how I feel, and in that process turning my heart towards God to hear his voice. It sounds like 2 steps but I think it is an incremental process and looks different for each unique person and situation. And then, when I am finally honest, and willing to listen, then miracles can happen. Some would call listening to God in moments like these, listening to your inner wisdom, or your instincts, but for me it is important to turn to someone who loves me. And although I may not always act like it, I do (or want to?) believe that God loves me beyond description. I certainly experienced it during my accident in a multi-dimensional, supernatural way. I’m not sure who said this but I agree with it…the most important thing we can do for ourselves and the world is to learn to live loved. When you believe to your core that you are loved beyond measure, you have no fear, and then you can live like Einstein suggested…in a friendly universe. Then our actions and reactions will reflect that security and we can live out that love in everything we do, even as we acknowledge pain.
The event that prompted this quote happened a few days ago. I was fuming over a situation where I did not know what to do. I was fuming because I felt trapped and helpless and I hate that feeling. So I turned my anger toward God and ranted for a long time. And then, I said, OK so now you have my anger, I have been honest….now SAY SOMETHING! And I also yelled I’M LISTENING! I laugh about it now but it was not pretty. And the most innocuous little thing came to mind…I laughed out loud that a little stress buster idea from a magazine came to mind that I had read earlier in the day popped into my head. I found it later so I could cut it out as a reminder to myself that even when I have a temper tantrum God will speak to me. “Negative thinking can fuel stress. So when damaging, unhelpful thoughts come to mind, ask yourself: How could I look at this in a more positive or at least a neutral light?” And it’s not like I hadn’t read this, or heard this, or told this to my kids a hundred times before…but I said to God…OK, give me a different perspective on this, please give me your perspective…and He did. He did. I was completely humbled. The circumstances didn’t change, the problem still existed, but suddenly I wasn’t alone and I had hope. And I am grateful. For my life had become quite gray in the last while and this experience brought some color, texture and richness back into my life.



…at the foot of a mountain. Allow me to explain. Every summer we spend a few weeks at Falcon Lake. We anticipate this vacation all year and as the summer approaches I start to really live in the future. My focus becomes riveted to the experiences I anticipate will be soooo relaxing, enjoyable and memorable. Unfortunately, something lies between me and my dreams…packing. Oh how I loathe packing. Because it is not just packing, it entails organizing, laundry, cleaning and shopping. In my mind the tasks form a mountain that seems insurmountable. Break it down the experts say, do it 15 minutes at a time, use gratitude in your process, visualize it and it will unfold, yadda, yadda, yadda. In the end…I still procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. I can employ (well actually, think about employing) every trick in the motivation hand-book and I still find myself at the foot of the mountain with little time to climb it. In fact, as I type I have about 18 hours of work with about 8 hours to do it in. And that’s being optimistic. Not to mention the sometimes unpleasant parenting experiences that go along with helping my children do their share of packing and tidying. So here I sit, and type, and procrastinate…and God still presses into my heart, my soul, my being that nothing can separate me from God. That God is here with me, in me and requires me to do absolutely nothing in order to receive Love. And by this time tomorrow, somehow, it’ll all be done…hopefully I’ll get a little sleep in there somewhere. 
It amazes me how God can grow things anywhere, on rocks, in ice, on dead stuff. Nature is forever in a state of change, either growth or decomposition, and sometimes, seemingly, both. Nothing is ever truly still, even though it feels that way when hiking a trail in the Whiteshell. All of nature vibrates with the energy of life, whether we perceive it or not. I’m fascinated by mushrooms…how they grow on dead stuff (It gives me a bit of hope, that even when I feel dead, something might be happening, growing, in me, or in spite of me). And the growth isn’t random, or accidental. It’s patterned, purposeful and beautiful, as is the work of God everywhere. Ever practical, fungi serves its purpose. But doesn’t it look like an alien world, full of strange shapes, vivid colours, and mystery? 




and I have to catch her on the sly for the opposite reason. I love to capture the moments in time where I see the different moods of my children. If Jordan sees the camera, I get a great big grin, (which I also love), however, she has other sides as well, and I have to catch her unawares to capture them. During this hike she was quite aware of the camera, and her joyful nature shines through.










